He's newer and shinier!


I had all these reflections and ideas I wanted to share with y'all, but I never wrote them down. The beauty of ideas tho, they're never-ending. So, I was laying in bed thinking and reflecting before I was ready to get up. I had this thought that put my relationships in perspective, and kinda instantly stopped me from overthinking things.

So, right now I'm in the middle of a transition. I've been thinking a lot more recently about my finances and my relationships. My sun sign is Cancer (in the 10th house) - I think I'm supposed to be a wealthy stay-at-home wife or something like that. I'm working on it. But seriously, Cancer is ruled by the moon, which represents a nurturing and mother-like energy. If you know me, then well, you know I'm all about family. (10th house is about careers)

More specific, in intimate relationships, I used to naturally overthink situations and create scenarios that probably was very unlikely when I caught feelings for someone. It was insane, I would start liking someone and instantly think "how can I fit this person into my lifestyle". Like, what and why?! Because I was trying to control the outcome. I would create a whole relationship in my head in 13 seconds, and that's how I expected things to play out. Ok, so now I know I can't control any of that. I can only control what I do, and that directly affects the relationship, the things I do. So, while I was overthinking and creating these fake ass scenarios, I wasn't doing me, I was doing things that I thought would get me to that fake ass relationship I created in my head. That made me lose myself in a lot of relationships, both friendships and intimate relationships.

Fast forward to last night, I was talking to this guy that oddly reminds me of my ex but really doesn't at all. He's like a newer and shinier version. But, of course, me being aware and all that shit, I had to question what is the purpose, what lesson did I miss from that last relationship. Was I supposed to just not talk to him, was I supposed to do something different than I did with my ex, was there red flags that I missed, like what? Mid conversation, I think I realized what it was. You know, that whole Cancer thing, I definitely have an idea of this family dynamic I want. So, after I fabricated a whole long life of love and kids and traveling with someone I only know I like cause he talk to me nice and looks goodt... I realized this man has been existing 30-something years without me as a factor in his life and I can't expect him to be the image of what I envisioned our life to be. Pump ya breaks, chile. Cause, first of all, I already know expectations lead to disappointment. I have to love him and appreciate him in the moments that we share, not look forward to the moments we might share later in life. So, as we sat in silence between conversation, I felt gratitude for him in those moments and it made me appreciate the good energy exchange. Who knows what will be in the future between us, who knows where this will go. I do know I am supposed to experience his energy and I do feel much more full from his presence when I pause and actually feel his presence. If we don't end up being anything more than friends, or I stop talking to him tomorrow, I'll understand that nothing dies not even relationships and the good energy will transferred to another human experience. Also, I've done shadow work to heal that co-dependency thing I had going on. That helps so I don't feel so attached to people when I finally open up to someone, and makes it easier to let people go or be when they need to be...

So, laying in bed, I was thinking each encounter I have with my friends will be like a new relationship. There's comfort and familiarity there which makes it easy, but each time I will experience the joy of them because I'll be in the moment with them and not in the future in my head.

What are you most grateful for in this moment?

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